A Blessing In Every Lesson

LIFE IS SHORT!! Live your life to the fullest because TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED!! I've had a lot of people around me pass away lately, young and old. I've also watched people around me STOP LIVING while still existing and it hurts me to my core. I've learned a lot from my own mistakes and from watching those around me make some mistakes. I'm very grateful for the pain and th heartache because it has made me stronger and much more self-aware. I have learned to live with some decisions that I have and haven't made and with that I have definitely learned to make better decisions the next time around. There is a LESSON in every  BLESSING and a BLESSING in every LESSON!! GOD BLESS

Enlightened

I had a very enlightening day today and it helped me to have a different perspective on the circumstances of my life. This week has been a very emotional week for me, but it has allowed me the opportunity to release and free my spirit of the things that I have been experiencing lately. I had to sit and reflect and listen to myself and the words that I  often share with those around me. It's so easy to teach those around you how to be better and think differently, but how often do we practice what we find ourselves preaching. I had to face my own realities and accept them for what they are and by doing so I have made it easier for me to transition from one phase of my life to the next. Peace and Blessings.

Deeper

The hardest thing I have ever had to do have yet to be done, but it seems as if the hardest thing I could ever go through, I am going through now. As I say those very words, I am left speechless. I’m lost between WORLDS and WORDS. The hardest thing to do is to watch someone lose their peace of mind, spirit, heart and existence. I have watched my mom lose all of these things over the course of 3 years and although I have tried everything that I could to help her, nothing has worked. In fact she has become worse and is now hospitalized. The pain I feel surpasses the depths of my heart and soul and I can barely put into words what I feel without tearing up. I go to visit my mom and it takes everything in me not to break down in front of her. I feel that I must be strong for her because I don’t want her to feel the anxiety of what her illness is putting on the family. My mom was someone who was full of life and now she speaks as if her life is over. I look into her eyes and I can see and feel her pain. My mom is at a point to where she feels that nothing can help and that it is too late for her to get better. The doctors have tried almost every combination of meds you could think of to help regulate my mom, but unfortunately nothing has worked for over 3 years. The last result of treatment for her is Electro-Convulsive Shock Treatment….. Right!! That’s the same thing I said! WHAT THE PHUCK!! As I’m writing this blog, I find myself reaching moments of complete and utter blankness because the feelings I experience at that very moment leave me speechless, empty, and hurt. Please, take it from me, DON’T BE TOO RPOUD TO GO AND GET THE HELP THAT IS NEEDED BEFORE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ENDS UP WHERE MY FAMILY AND I ARE. There are free services through the county that will help you and get you the services that you and or your family need. LA USC COUNTY HOSPITAL has the services and they now have an IN-PATIENT facility where you can see a doctor and get you the meds that you need.  And most importantly educate yourself and your family and support, patience, understanding, and EMPATHY are all important when going through this process. It is a trying process and it can and will take you to your limits, but remember to give it to GOD and LET HIM HANDLE THE REST!! GOD IS GOOD.. AND GOODNIGHT!!

jUST SOME rANDOM tHOUGHTS

As the days go by my heart pains me more and more. As the visions of my mom play over and over in my head. I am torn between protecting her and truly doing what is best for her. But, sometimes what we individually and subjectively view as protection is not always such. My mom is a major part of my lyfe and it hurts me to see and know that there is nothing that I can truly do for my mom in her journey to getting better. I can continue praying, but my mom has to believe for herself that there is a chance for her to get better and that she will get better. She fights everyday with this FEAR that is so UNIMAGINABLE. She asked me why she had to continue suffering here with what she is going through, when she is already dead inside. I love my mom with ALL OF MY HEART and I have come to some hard realizations over the last two years. I just continue to push forward and try to do THE BEST that I can for myself and my family. I can see some things much more clearly and I have learned to let some things and definitely some people go. At the end of the day I just want to be able to look back at my life and not have a lot of wouldas, couldas, and shouldas. GOD is GOOD and THE FIGHT continues on. DON'T GIVE UP.

HIS LOVE AND MERCY GIVES ME STRENGTH

It has been a very trying time on my heart and soul this past week. My mom is still in the hospital, with the hopes of getting better, while feeling like she is already dead. The hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love go through an illness and there is nothing that you can do. To see my mom cry and be in this constant turmoil is heartwrenching. I find myself by myself at times breaking down. It is important that I remain strong on a daily basis. GOD is GOOD ALL THE TIME and without HIM I would not be able to endure all that I have endured. HE has revealed soo many things to me within the last year and even within the last two weeks. HE is humbling me more and more as each day passes and I am eternally grateful. I have been spending many nights at home just reflecting and trying to gear my thoughts towards more positive things, like school and my writing. Oh and speaking of writing please stay tuned for a few novels that I will be publishing this year. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to become a literary artist and I am now finally chasing my dreams. Life can throw you nothing but curve balls sometimes, but you just have to readjust yourself and know that things never stay the same. Although we may not always agree with the path we have been forced to take, it is important to know and recognize that GOD knows the reason and purpose for the path that we are currently on. BE PATIENT and GOD will reveal ALL THINGS IN HIS OWN TIME.

So another glorious week has come to an end. Last week my grandfather went into the hospital and returned home on Tuesday of this week. Unfortunately, on Thursday my mom was admitted into the hospital. It has been a trying time on my spirit, but I stay prayerful and positive. I have been throwing myself into my writing lately and it has been very therapeutic. So, be looking out for my books coming this summer. GOD has blessed me with an AMAZING craft and it is time that I tap into it. I have been off my game for quite some time and it is now time to come into ho it is GOD has always intended for me to be. I have been through quite a lot in my 34 years of life. I indeed have a story to tell and I do plan on telling it. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. GOD is GOOD and we are FOREVER COVETED IN HIS GRACE!! GOODNITE