Jus' Some Thoughts

Lately it has been hard for me to find peace of mind. My mom has become worse and she is starting to show new signs of mental illness. It is becoming harder for me because i am growing much more weary from all of these after 4 years. I feel like I am at my breaking point and I don't know what else to do. I love my mom, LORD knows I do, but what more can I do. She has to want it for herself. She has stopped taking her meds and she has become very irritable and mean. My lil' sister has a PROM to prepare for on Friday and I am suppose to be heading to Vegas for a close friend of mine's wedding. I don't think that's going to happen and I am not happy about it. I just want to be happy!! You know have some stability and balance. A place I can call mine and have my PEACE OF MIND. Once I attain those things I will be alright. It is only a blink away and I know I will have the things I need and desire. Peace and Blessings all

I haven't been on in a while and it's definitely a lot that's been going on. My mom re-entered the hospital last week and she just recently returned home this past Monday. It was yet but another bittersweet moment for everyone. The pain that I feel for my mom is unfathomable and it hurts me to my core. To know that I can't help her anymore than what I have have already done is at times hard to accept, especially when I see my hurt hurting soo much. I do however understand that my mom must come to the point where she is willing and ready to take the steps needed to help herself. She lives in such heavy fear that she is afraid to make any moves. It is that very fear that binds her in this existence she calls hell! Her thinking is so distorted and she doesn't believe that there is anything that she can do to regain the life she once lived. Everything to her in this life is EVIL and she believes that this is her destiny. The question that she continually asks is "Why is this happening to her?" She believes that she has done something in her past that has caused her to be in the position that she is in now. I try soo much to let he know that she is okay and that whatever decisions good or bad that she has made in her past, she has been forgiven. It is now time that she starts the process of forgiving herself. She lives with such regret and resentment that it leaves her in a state of dire hopelessness. I pray with my mom and hope for the best, but at the end of the day I have to stay focused because I have responsibilities that will continue regardless of what is going on with my mom.

Checking In

I haven't been as consistent as I initially planned when I created this blog. But, I've had a lot going on lately and I do apologize. Unfortunately, my name as been placed back into the hospital. If you recall, she had placed in a facility on what turned into a 30 day hold that started out as a 14 day hold. She was released the Wednesday before Easter and she came back better than when she went in. I hadn't seen that side of my mom in a long time and I was sooo excited. It gave me HOPE!! I knew in my HEART that my mom was still somewhere buried deep within the lost soul that now exist. But, she soon spiraled downhill and back into her deep, dark place. This time feeling a bit more unsafe than before. My heart is so heavy because there is nothing that I can really do for her. A big part of her recovery is her ability and willingness to take the necessary steps to get better. She can't be resistant to change and my mom has become resistant to a lot of different things, since she has gone through this transition. I just want my mom to be the woman she used to be. She has soo many questions that have been left unanswered. And to be honest, some of the questions that I hear you wanting answers to, may never be answered. I wish she could forgive herself long enough to see the BLESSINGS in which GOD HAS BESTOWED UPON HER!! This journey has definitely been a life changing and growing experience. Good Night!! Peace and Blessings

A SOMBER SOUL

I sit here this morning in a somber mood. The anticipation of my mom coming home was bittersweet. I was apprehensive yet excited because I knew my mom was coming home where she has the love and support that she needs. Her return was amazing!! She was back to becoming the woman we all know, love and miss. She was up every morning keeping herself busy and trying to make and keep her thoughts more positive. He seemed all good. I was excited to have my mom back, even though she still had a few fears and the world around her seemed to be more overwhelming for her. I kept the positive regard going, in hopes that it would help and motivate her. Instead, I too became something that created and caused fear. I can't fathom how hope and a positive outlook can make someone afraid to go out and want to live. To Be Free of the mental incapacitation that binds you from being happy. The EMPATHY that I feel for my mom has a price that my heart and soul continuously must pay. I've watched my mom battle with this DIS-EASE for the past 4 years and I sometimes find myself in a place of hurt and anger, fear and frustration, and love and compassion. All of these emotions in combination with each can be very explosive if not kept under control. By the GRACE OF GOD I have been afforded the ability to maintain my own sanity while trying to sustain my moms'. I wonder sometimes if she will ever get better, or will she become someone who will forever be a prisoner of all of her fears and resentments. My soul cries out to and for her and I wish I could make it all better, but deep down inside I know that no matter how much or how bad I want my mom to get better, SHE HAS TO WANT IT FOR HERSELF!! And she not only has to want it, but she has to take the necessary steps towards getting better. I've had to take a big step back and try to allow my mom the opportunity to stay connected with the outside world. But, I have come to realize that the outside world has become so distorted that everything in life has become one BIG, BAD place of existence for her. It's amazing how the mind can play even the most confusing of games. But over time through PRAYER AND HOPE  I will give my mom what she needs on the journey to her RECOVERY.