Deeper

The hardest thing I have ever had to do have yet to be done, but it seems as if the hardest thing I could ever go through, I am going through now. As I say those very words, I am left speechless. I’m lost between WORLDS and WORDS. The hardest thing to do is to watch someone lose their peace of mind, spirit, heart and existence. I have watched my mom lose all of these things over the course of 3 years and although I have tried everything that I could to help her, nothing has worked. In fact she has become worse and is now hospitalized. The pain I feel surpasses the depths of my heart and soul and I can barely put into words what I feel without tearing up. I go to visit my mom and it takes everything in me not to break down in front of her. I feel that I must be strong for her because I don’t want her to feel the anxiety of what her illness is putting on the family. My mom was someone who was full of life and now she speaks as if her life is over. I look into her eyes and I can see and feel her pain. My mom is at a point to where she feels that nothing can help and that it is too late for her to get better. The doctors have tried almost every combination of meds you could think of to help regulate my mom, but unfortunately nothing has worked for over 3 years. The last result of treatment for her is Electro-Convulsive Shock Treatment….. Right!! That’s the same thing I said! WHAT THE PHUCK!! As I’m writing this blog, I find myself reaching moments of complete and utter blankness because the feelings I experience at that very moment leave me speechless, empty, and hurt. Please, take it from me, DON’T BE TOO RPOUD TO GO AND GET THE HELP THAT IS NEEDED BEFORE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ENDS UP WHERE MY FAMILY AND I ARE. There are free services through the county that will help you and get you the services that you and or your family need. LA USC COUNTY HOSPITAL has the services and they now have an IN-PATIENT facility where you can see a doctor and get you the meds that you need.  And most importantly educate yourself and your family and support, patience, understanding, and EMPATHY are all important when going through this process. It is a trying process and it can and will take you to your limits, but remember to give it to GOD and LET HIM HANDLE THE REST!! GOD IS GOOD.. AND GOODNIGHT!!