Stepping Up To The Plate

Over the last month and a half my responsibilities have definitely increased, requiring me to now "STEP UP TO THE PLATE". I have been battling with the notion of being my moms conservator, but I had to do it. I went to court yesterday, well considering the time it would have been Monday now. I was granted conservator ship over my mom and it entailed alot more than I realized. My mom is not allowed to drive while being conserved and she cannot make any financial or medical decisions for herself. I am in control of everything and the doctors cannot make any decisions for her without my consent and authorization. I am happy with the decision that I made because now I can be an advocate for my mom and be informed of what is going on at all times. That also means that it is up to me to see that my sister is as successful as she can possibly be. It has been hard work but she is coming along quite well. She will be starting college in July and I am so excited for her. My daughter is starting high school this fall and I am soo excited for that as well. I know she will be fine, I just wish her dad would not be so fearful. I know he just wants to keep her safe and protected, but he must let her gain a sense of independence and confidence on her own. She must be and feel comfortable with her abilities to make the best decisions for herself. GOD is working everything out in HIS own way and I am eternally grateful.

Her Time Is Now

This post is dedicated to my baby girl Nia Samon Britt. I have watched her grow into such an amazing young lady and I am soo proud of her. This past year has been simply BLESSED. Nia has broken quite a few records and is headed to her third Junior Olympics appearance. This past season was her final season competing with the Northridge Pacers, but she definitely went out with a bang and left her name all across the record books. What she has accomplished just this season alone, hasn't been done since 1994 and 1996. I am utterly proud to be her mom and be able to experience a part of her life with her. She is going to do amazing things in this lifetime and I just want to make sure that I can be there to partake in as many moments as possible. I look back at my life and I want to be better. I want to be the BEST, even though I know that in her eyes I am the best mom, but I want to make sure that everyday I do my best. She is my world and I hurt when I can't be what she needs and wants me to be because for soo long I had to be soo many things for others. But, it's her time now. Peace and Blessings

Checkin' In

It's been really busy lately and I was feeling quite overwhelmed. Between my mom going into the hospital right before Memorial day weekend and my lil sister having prom that weekend as well, I was about to explode, but GOD pulled me through as always. My mom is in the hospital again on another 30 day hold and this time she was forced to miss my lil sister's prom AND graduation. She will also miss my daughter's graduation as well and that hurts me soo much. I've done pretty well with not breaking down, but I finally had a breakdown in the wee hours of this morning. For the last couple of nights I have been falling to sleep earlier than normal, but I end up waking up around 3:30am and find myself up for the next few hours, until the sun slowly begins to rise. But, this time I just broke down on my knees and cried out to GOD. I wept like a small child and I felt a small calm and peace come over me. I know that the only reason why I am as strong as I am is because of GOD, because of my faith. I find myself getting weary many days and I often have let it get the best of me. But, not anymore. Everyday is a new day to make new choices and live a new life. Peace and Blessings

A HAPPY MIND

Life sure can throw you a bevy of curveballs and it's important that you stay ready. No one ever said life would be easy, but I'm sure most people would have never thought in a million years that life could get to be soo hard. We live in a world where instant gratification is the theme of our survival. It's never a moment that goes by when there isn't someone trying to be a part of what's "in". I heard a great phrase tonight, "your never happy unless your unhappy". It was in relation to a well-known NBA Basketball coach. That is a very true statement. Some people are soo used to being unhappy that they don't know how to be happy. They find contentment and solitude in being miserable because that is what they are used to. It's amazing how the fear of change can keep a person bound and limited. Change can be a good thing, it allows for the opportunity for more blessings. The one thing that is forever consistent in this  world is change. Nothing stays the same and even if HISTORY repeats itself, please believe that there has been a few tweeks done to adjust to current times. Like EN VOGUE used to say....."FREE YOUR MIND AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW"..... peace and blessings

Jus' Some Thoughts

Lately it has been hard for me to find peace of mind. My mom has become worse and she is starting to show new signs of mental illness. It is becoming harder for me because i am growing much more weary from all of these after 4 years. I feel like I am at my breaking point and I don't know what else to do. I love my mom, LORD knows I do, but what more can I do. She has to want it for herself. She has stopped taking her meds and she has become very irritable and mean. My lil' sister has a PROM to prepare for on Friday and I am suppose to be heading to Vegas for a close friend of mine's wedding. I don't think that's going to happen and I am not happy about it. I just want to be happy!! You know have some stability and balance. A place I can call mine and have my PEACE OF MIND. Once I attain those things I will be alright. It is only a blink away and I know I will have the things I need and desire. Peace and Blessings all

I haven't been on in a while and it's definitely a lot that's been going on. My mom re-entered the hospital last week and she just recently returned home this past Monday. It was yet but another bittersweet moment for everyone. The pain that I feel for my mom is unfathomable and it hurts me to my core. To know that I can't help her anymore than what I have have already done is at times hard to accept, especially when I see my hurt hurting soo much. I do however understand that my mom must come to the point where she is willing and ready to take the steps needed to help herself. She lives in such heavy fear that she is afraid to make any moves. It is that very fear that binds her in this existence she calls hell! Her thinking is so distorted and she doesn't believe that there is anything that she can do to regain the life she once lived. Everything to her in this life is EVIL and she believes that this is her destiny. The question that she continually asks is "Why is this happening to her?" She believes that she has done something in her past that has caused her to be in the position that she is in now. I try soo much to let he know that she is okay and that whatever decisions good or bad that she has made in her past, she has been forgiven. It is now time that she starts the process of forgiving herself. She lives with such regret and resentment that it leaves her in a state of dire hopelessness. I pray with my mom and hope for the best, but at the end of the day I have to stay focused because I have responsibilities that will continue regardless of what is going on with my mom.

Checking In

I haven't been as consistent as I initially planned when I created this blog. But, I've had a lot going on lately and I do apologize. Unfortunately, my name as been placed back into the hospital. If you recall, she had placed in a facility on what turned into a 30 day hold that started out as a 14 day hold. She was released the Wednesday before Easter and she came back better than when she went in. I hadn't seen that side of my mom in a long time and I was sooo excited. It gave me HOPE!! I knew in my HEART that my mom was still somewhere buried deep within the lost soul that now exist. But, she soon spiraled downhill and back into her deep, dark place. This time feeling a bit more unsafe than before. My heart is so heavy because there is nothing that I can really do for her. A big part of her recovery is her ability and willingness to take the necessary steps to get better. She can't be resistant to change and my mom has become resistant to a lot of different things, since she has gone through this transition. I just want my mom to be the woman she used to be. She has soo many questions that have been left unanswered. And to be honest, some of the questions that I hear you wanting answers to, may never be answered. I wish she could forgive herself long enough to see the BLESSINGS in which GOD HAS BESTOWED UPON HER!! This journey has definitely been a life changing and growing experience. Good Night!! Peace and Blessings