Checkin' In

It's been really busy lately and I was feeling quite overwhelmed. Between my mom going into the hospital right before Memorial day weekend and my lil sister having prom that weekend as well, I was about to explode, but GOD pulled me through as always. My mom is in the hospital again on another 30 day hold and this time she was forced to miss my lil sister's prom AND graduation. She will also miss my daughter's graduation as well and that hurts me soo much. I've done pretty well with not breaking down, but I finally had a breakdown in the wee hours of this morning. For the last couple of nights I have been falling to sleep earlier than normal, but I end up waking up around 3:30am and find myself up for the next few hours, until the sun slowly begins to rise. But, this time I just broke down on my knees and cried out to GOD. I wept like a small child and I felt a small calm and peace come over me. I know that the only reason why I am as strong as I am is because of GOD, because of my faith. I find myself getting weary many days and I often have let it get the best of me. But, not anymore. Everyday is a new day to make new choices and live a new life. Peace and Blessings

A HAPPY MIND

Life sure can throw you a bevy of curveballs and it's important that you stay ready. No one ever said life would be easy, but I'm sure most people would have never thought in a million years that life could get to be soo hard. We live in a world where instant gratification is the theme of our survival. It's never a moment that goes by when there isn't someone trying to be a part of what's "in". I heard a great phrase tonight, "your never happy unless your unhappy". It was in relation to a well-known NBA Basketball coach. That is a very true statement. Some people are soo used to being unhappy that they don't know how to be happy. They find contentment and solitude in being miserable because that is what they are used to. It's amazing how the fear of change can keep a person bound and limited. Change can be a good thing, it allows for the opportunity for more blessings. The one thing that is forever consistent in this  world is change. Nothing stays the same and even if HISTORY repeats itself, please believe that there has been a few tweeks done to adjust to current times. Like EN VOGUE used to say....."FREE YOUR MIND AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW"..... peace and blessings

Jus' Some Thoughts

Lately it has been hard for me to find peace of mind. My mom has become worse and she is starting to show new signs of mental illness. It is becoming harder for me because i am growing much more weary from all of these after 4 years. I feel like I am at my breaking point and I don't know what else to do. I love my mom, LORD knows I do, but what more can I do. She has to want it for herself. She has stopped taking her meds and she has become very irritable and mean. My lil' sister has a PROM to prepare for on Friday and I am suppose to be heading to Vegas for a close friend of mine's wedding. I don't think that's going to happen and I am not happy about it. I just want to be happy!! You know have some stability and balance. A place I can call mine and have my PEACE OF MIND. Once I attain those things I will be alright. It is only a blink away and I know I will have the things I need and desire. Peace and Blessings all

I haven't been on in a while and it's definitely a lot that's been going on. My mom re-entered the hospital last week and she just recently returned home this past Monday. It was yet but another bittersweet moment for everyone. The pain that I feel for my mom is unfathomable and it hurts me to my core. To know that I can't help her anymore than what I have have already done is at times hard to accept, especially when I see my hurt hurting soo much. I do however understand that my mom must come to the point where she is willing and ready to take the steps needed to help herself. She lives in such heavy fear that she is afraid to make any moves. It is that very fear that binds her in this existence she calls hell! Her thinking is so distorted and she doesn't believe that there is anything that she can do to regain the life she once lived. Everything to her in this life is EVIL and she believes that this is her destiny. The question that she continually asks is "Why is this happening to her?" She believes that she has done something in her past that has caused her to be in the position that she is in now. I try soo much to let he know that she is okay and that whatever decisions good or bad that she has made in her past, she has been forgiven. It is now time that she starts the process of forgiving herself. She lives with such regret and resentment that it leaves her in a state of dire hopelessness. I pray with my mom and hope for the best, but at the end of the day I have to stay focused because I have responsibilities that will continue regardless of what is going on with my mom.

Checking In

I haven't been as consistent as I initially planned when I created this blog. But, I've had a lot going on lately and I do apologize. Unfortunately, my name as been placed back into the hospital. If you recall, she had placed in a facility on what turned into a 30 day hold that started out as a 14 day hold. She was released the Wednesday before Easter and she came back better than when she went in. I hadn't seen that side of my mom in a long time and I was sooo excited. It gave me HOPE!! I knew in my HEART that my mom was still somewhere buried deep within the lost soul that now exist. But, she soon spiraled downhill and back into her deep, dark place. This time feeling a bit more unsafe than before. My heart is so heavy because there is nothing that I can really do for her. A big part of her recovery is her ability and willingness to take the necessary steps to get better. She can't be resistant to change and my mom has become resistant to a lot of different things, since she has gone through this transition. I just want my mom to be the woman she used to be. She has soo many questions that have been left unanswered. And to be honest, some of the questions that I hear you wanting answers to, may never be answered. I wish she could forgive herself long enough to see the BLESSINGS in which GOD HAS BESTOWED UPON HER!! This journey has definitely been a life changing and growing experience. Good Night!! Peace and Blessings

A SOMBER SOUL

I sit here this morning in a somber mood. The anticipation of my mom coming home was bittersweet. I was apprehensive yet excited because I knew my mom was coming home where she has the love and support that she needs. Her return was amazing!! She was back to becoming the woman we all know, love and miss. She was up every morning keeping herself busy and trying to make and keep her thoughts more positive. He seemed all good. I was excited to have my mom back, even though she still had a few fears and the world around her seemed to be more overwhelming for her. I kept the positive regard going, in hopes that it would help and motivate her. Instead, I too became something that created and caused fear. I can't fathom how hope and a positive outlook can make someone afraid to go out and want to live. To Be Free of the mental incapacitation that binds you from being happy. The EMPATHY that I feel for my mom has a price that my heart and soul continuously must pay. I've watched my mom battle with this DIS-EASE for the past 4 years and I sometimes find myself in a place of hurt and anger, fear and frustration, and love and compassion. All of these emotions in combination with each can be very explosive if not kept under control. By the GRACE OF GOD I have been afforded the ability to maintain my own sanity while trying to sustain my moms'. I wonder sometimes if she will ever get better, or will she become someone who will forever be a prisoner of all of her fears and resentments. My soul cries out to and for her and I wish I could make it all better, but deep down inside I know that no matter how much or how bad I want my mom to get better, SHE HAS TO WANT IT FOR HERSELF!! And she not only has to want it, but she has to take the necessary steps towards getting better. I've had to take a big step back and try to allow my mom the opportunity to stay connected with the outside world. But, I have come to realize that the outside world has become so distorted that everything in life has become one BIG, BAD place of existence for her. It's amazing how the mind can play even the most confusing of games. But over time through PRAYER AND HOPE  I will give my mom what she needs on the journey to her RECOVERY.

A PROUD MOMENT

It's an amazing feeling as a parent when you re able to witness TRIUMP AND SUCCESS with your children. My daughter has been NATIONALLY ranked for the last 3 years and I have watched and experienced with her the amazing journey that has taken place. She has made me soo proud as a parent that It IS MY HONOR TO BE HER MOTHER!! NOT ONLY DID SHE COMPETE WELL TODAY but she also BROKE THE TEAM RECORD, WHICH IS ALSO THE LEAGUE AND CONFERENCE RECORD. I have watched her work extremely hard and this has been her GOAL FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I actually shed a tear because I was soo proud of her!! She makes me want to be a BETTER PERSON. SHE PUSHES ME TO DO BETTER, not only for myself but for her as well. Like I have said time and time again, IT OS NOT ONLY US WHO TEACHES OUR KIDS, BUT IT IS ALSO OUR CHILDREN WHO TEACH US!! YOU ARE NEVER TO OLD TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW AND THAT IS THE AMAZING PART OF LIFE THAT MAKES IT ALL UNIQUE!!